This is probably as honest as I'll ever get, publicly.
I've been thinking a lot about fathers lately...what I think a good one looks like, what I think a bad one looks like, and how one shapes his children. I find it very interesting how society portrays the "alpha male". From where I'm standing, I see a society that dictates that the ideal man (father figure, husband figure, or what have you) is successful on all fronts: the financial, the physical, the sexual, and the social. The man with the nicest and most possessions, who is accompanied by the most beautiful woman or women, who has the most sexual conquests under his belt, who has the most friends, who has the largest muscles & best looks, and who has the highest career/social status is generally considered to be the alpha male. This is not a new thing. Throughout history, this observation proves to be relevant. Even in the animal kingdom, the alpha male is the one who has the most females, has the brightest markings, is the strongest, has produced the most offspring, etcetera - survival of the fittest.
But we are not animals.
And I see a flaw in the system.
Suppose we adhere to the so-called definition of what it is to be the ideal man, per society/the animal kingdom. You've got a man who is very wealthy & successful - the owner of a well-known, highly respected company. His wife is a model (whom he values mainly for her sexual prowess, and not at all as a companion), and he has 2 attractive, bright, trust-fund kids who grow up to go to ivy league schools. He also has several other children by several different women - affairs throughout the course of his marriage. His children can drop his name and get the best treatment at any restaurant, business or venue. And yet, they don't really know their father, because he was never home. And when he was, he was either throwing lavish parties and blatantly hitting on women in front of his children AND their mother, or holed up in his home office. All he has taught them to do is lie, cheat, & manipulate to get what they want, view people as means to their own ends, among a whole slew of other destructive and toxic behaviors. These kids are likely going to grow up with confused identities, and as a result, construct their own families according to the example which was set by their father, and create a vicious cycle of brokenness. I've seen real life models of this example. When one ponders all those status symbols that define supposed greatness, one might peel that flashy exterior away, and see that all that remains is a sad, self-absorbed man with a life that appears full on the outside. In actuality, all that occupies the cavity of his chest is a wicked, empty heart, and all that occupies the cold walls of his million dollar home is a group of broken, lonely people who are called "family", but have never understood the meaning of that title. That does not sound like a man I would desire to be my father, my brother, my husband, or even my friend, for that matter.
That being said, the Christian culture has a very, very specific image of what a good father should look like, and I don't think that's fair. Granted, there are certain foundational necessities, but every man is different in the way that he processes information and emotion, in the way that he expresses himself, in the way that he leads & carries himself, in the way that he relates to the Lord, and in his own personal needs. To say that because a father isn't a certain personality type, he is somehow inadequate is about as fair as saying because a woman isn't a size 2 with flawless facial bone structure, she is not what she should be as a female. It's preposterous, and I'm sick to death of the double standard. So many good, respectable, honorable men get overlooked because they don't fit the cookie cutter. The man we respect shouldn't be the one with the nicest car or the biggest house or the seemingly most perfect family or the best looks - it should be the quiet man. It should be the humble, invisible, behind the scenes man, who is always there for his family and friends. That man is the foundation for the people in his life.
I spent the better part of my late teens and early twenties being frustrated with my relationship with my own father because it did not look like what I perceived to be what a father-daughter relationship (more specifically, a Christian father-daughter relationship) should look like. I used that as an excuse to behave and speak disrespectfully towards my father. And now, as I write this, I am all but sobbing, because I realize what an idiot I was, and am, for having thought that. It's such a tragedy how the devil can plant little ideas in your mind about how another person sees you, and the walls you build because of it. It is all a scheme to create disunity among God's people. And I fell for it. My father is a very quiet man. He is extremely smart, but I am positive that he only says about 20% of what goes through his mind. There is huge wisdom in that. Wisdom, I, his daughter, lack, very much. I am a talker. I say exactly what is on my mind, and am very open about my relationship with the Lord. For a long time, I just expected others to be the same way, and if they weren't, I assumed that God was not important to them. I talk about things that are important to me, and so I expect others to be vocal about things that are important to them. But that's a very selfish way to think. As I said before, everyone is very different in the way they communicate and express themselves. Just because a man doesn't say what is on his mind does not mean that it is not on his mind. My father hardly ever expresses emotion. That's just his personality. He's a private, dignified man. For a long time, I decided that it was because he didn't feel very strongly about me. How could I have been more wrong? I should have seen it in the way his voice softens and is more tender when he talks to me, in contrast to the way he speaks to my brothers. I should have seen it in the way he would (and STILL) rushes to my side if I get hurt and asks if I'm alright, even at the slightest injury. I should see it in the texts he sends me asking me if I am doing alright when he knows I am driving cross-country somewhere. I should have seen it in the way he would come into my room before he left for work (and still does, whenever I go home to visit), and kissed my half-asleep head gently and whispered that he loves me. I should have even seen it in the times in my teenage rebellion that I made him so mad he didn't want to speak to me or be around me. I should have seen the immense grace he was showing me by using self control so he wouldn't say something that would hurt me, even though I completely deserved it. All this to make the point that many of us think our fathers view us a certain way, and base the way we interact with them and feel about ourselves on that - without even knowing that it's true.
What a robber of precious time our false perceptions can be.
My dad could beat up your dad.
No, seriously though, he could. I am 23, and I just now realized that I have the best dad in the world. He is disciplined. He works out 3 times a week, the same routine, without fail - even if he has had a rough day or doesn't feel the best. He is hard working and timely. I don't think my dad has ever been late to anything a day in his life. I know it drives him NUTS when my mama and I would be late to things. But he has also been very patient with us. I also don't think I have ever known him to miss a day of work, even if he was sick. And if he was sick, I would never know, because he never complains about anything. My dad, like I said, is brilliant, but doesn't say much. He is talented and driven, but he has turned down countless job offers in cities I know for a fact he would rather have lived in than the town I grew up in. Why did he do that? He did it because he is selfless and didn't want to uproot his kids from the best school in the state, and from the home they grew up in, and from all their friends. He sacrificed some of his dreams so that he could sow into the dreams of his children. And what did we do? I know what I did. A large part of the time, I spat in his face (not literally). I was disrespectful, ungrateful, & self-centered. And all the sudden it hits me all over again. My father is the best example of God I have ever known, and I couldn't see it, because I expected it to be in a different way. He could have called me what I was - a selfish, insolent girl who was too ignorant to see past her own nose. He could have rejected me, or worse, left our family to pursue those career opportunities. But he stayed. And he endured my abominable behavior patiently, quietly and lovingly. He STAYED. And not only did he stay, but he LOVED.
So Daddy, if you're reading this, forgive me for being an unfaithful and disrespectful daughter. I'll never be able to thank you enough for not giving up on me, and for the grace, patience, and love you have shown me. I am so glad that out of all the daddies in the world, God picked you specially to be mine. All the memories I have with you are so precious to me, and I wish very much we could have more nights of eating Chinese food and watching criminal justice shows. And I am proud every time people tell me how much I look like my father. Love you so much.
Any man has the physiological ability to be a father. But it takes a truly remarkable one to be a Daddy.
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